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How Pastors Can Build Relationships and
Lessen Conflict in Their Congregations
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by Dennis Hester
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"Churches
are using termination as the 'Weapon of choice,' in targeting church
staff problems in epidemic proportions," said Rev. Mike Huckabee,
Governor of Arkansas and former pastor and President of the Arkansas
Baptist Convention, in the 1992 issue of the Deacon magazine.
The pastor and the church's
relationship is like a marriage. They court each other before they
commit themselves to one another and then their honeymoon period
eventually comes to an end when they have their first fight. And
statistics prove that the chances of surviving their conflicts and
continuing life together are as dismal and disappointing as the
statistics for actual marriages in America. Pastors and other church
staff are being terminated at an alarming rate.
John C. LaRue, Jr.
sees the termination of pastors or "forced exits" as he calls them as a
chronic problem among congregations. In a survey conducted in 1996 by
LaRue and published in the March/April 1996 issue of Your Church
Magazine entitled, Forced Exits: "A Too Common Ministry Hazard," LaRue
says "Nine out of ten pastors (91%) know three to four others who have
been forced out of pastoral positions. In fact, one-third of all
pastors (34%) serve congregations who either fired the previous
minister or actively forced his or her resignation. Perhaps more
telling, nearly one-fourth (23%) of all current pastors have been
forced out at some point in their ministry. Many who are forced out do
not return to a ministry position: Ten percent of dismissed
predecessors left pastoral ministry."
I believe one of
the basic cementing factors that hold marriages together is the same
thing that helps pastors and congregations weather the storms of
conflict that are inevitable in every church body. And that is a
strong, healthy, growing relationship.
Listed below are a
few steps that any pastor can take to build a relationship with the
congregation that will help weather the storms of conflict when they
come.
- Love your people, laugh with them and
enjoy being in their company. Spend time with your people, even those
who cause you problems. It's the people, not the job!
- Don't be distant from your people, cold,
snobbish, rude or arrogant, but humble.
- Admit you are wrong and have sinned when
it happens. Ask for forgiveness and move on (I John 1:9).
- Learn to manage your anger. If you need
counseling in this area, then get help now!
- Work to find a win/win solution to your
problems.
- Assume your church family loves you and
minister to them as if they do love you.
- Join or begin a pastor's support group
with healthy minded pastors. In such an objective group you can test
your ideas and role-play how to deal with people with whom you find it
difficult to communicate.
- Invest in counseling from time to time. A
confidential professional listener is worth the time and money.
- Don't lose your sense of humor. Laugh at
yourself and learn from your mistakes. You will be a healthier person
and minister. Your people will love you for it.
- Commit yourself to be working constantly
to improve your relationship with God, your personal family and church
family.
If we
as pastors can't get along with people we are in sad shape, because
people are all that we have in our congregations. And the better we
know them, love them, and serve them in the name of Christ, the less
chance we will have a conflict that we can not resolve.
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Pastors Must Learn to
"Speak Up"
Before it's Too Late
if They Want a Long and Healthy Stay at Their
Church.
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by Dennis Hester
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The late evangelist and popular
pastors'
conference speaker, Dr. Vance Havner, used to say, "It's too late to
talk about draining the swamp when you're up to your neck in
crocodiles." When should a pastor speak up if he detects conflict
personally or within the congregation?
It has been said that churches have the biggest
rug in town under which they sweep their problems. "Church secrets" can
be detrimental to a congregation and pastor.
Congregations, like small towns, want to
protect their image. They often believe, like individuals, that if they
have problems, people will think they aren't committed to the Lord. A
congregation is a family, and like any family it will have periods of
conflict. But what do many congregations do? They keep silent! As the
leader of the congregation, a pastor may also keep silent hoping his
silence will help to preserve unity in the congregation. If he would
speak up even before the conflict is noticeable, he might help himself
and the congregation to avoid conflict.
Here are a few suggestions to aid pastors in
speaking up before it's too late:
- If you are unhappy with what you hear during
negotiations with a
prospective church, speak up. Don't wait until you are called as a
staff person and then begin to complain.
- When you have a "gut sense" that something
isn't right?in the
planning stages of a project or in the early stages of discussing some
issue, speak up. Say to the individual or group, "I have some concerns
I would like to voice, and I would like to see if others are having
similar concerns."
- If you are aware that an individual's behavior
might be damaging to
the congregation, then meet with the individual by appointment as soon
as
possible and voice your concerns and observations. If the person
appears overly emotional, stressed-out or possibly harmful, be cautious
and take someone with you to talk to this person. Remember, "speak the
truth in love."
- When you see lay persons or other church leaders
pushing a personal
agenda, say to the person or group, "Maybe we need to pray and gather
more information before making a decision on this issue. Who would be
willing to meet
and pray before this issue is brought to the church body?" This buys
time for
research and discussion. The church's business meeting is not the place
to say,
"I see a potential problem here."
- If a fellow church member is being criticized or
personally abused
in a meeting or a parking lot session, say, "I'm feeling very
uncomfortable about what
we're discussing. Since this person isn't here, we can't be certain
that what we are sharing is 100% true. Our conversation may get back to
this person, so let's be careful and fair in what we say. I'm sure we
wouldn't want to damage a reputation.
- Keep the congregation informed from the pulpit and by
meetings,
newsletters, and in general conversation about what you feel God's will
is for the
congregation. In order to keep the vision/mission clearly focused, the
pastor, staff and congregational leadership should periodically meet
(some recommend every 90 days) in order to keep the dream alive.
It's never too soon for you as the pastor to
"speak up" to the
congregation. Before you ever become the pastor you must ask
appropriate questions of the congregation, and after you become pastor
you must constantly ask questions, build relationships and create a
climate of openness with the congregation and other church leaders.
If you teach people how to share openly, and you
exhibit openness and
non-judgmental sharing during the good times, your people will be more
willing to hear you when conflict arises.
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Awareness of Potential Areas of Conflict
Can Save Pastors and Congregations a Lot of Heart Ache
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by Dennis Hester
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Johnny’s
mother seemed to be consumed with ironing crisp white sheets, but
little did Johnny know that even while ironing, she was preoccupied
with thinking about him. He was six years old and had yet to speak his
first word.
On this particular
day, while Johnny sat silently playing and watching his mother, the
telephone rang. She had been on the phone for about a minute when
Johnny screamed, “Fire! Fire! Mommy, the sheets are on fire!” Johnny’s
mother came running into the smoke-filled room, and in the midst of
fanning the smoke from the room, she stopped, turned to Johnny with a
bewildered look, and said, “Johnny, you can talk! You can really talk.
Why haven’t you said anything until today?” With a little boyish grin
Johnny looked up at his mother and said, “Well, up till now
everything’s been running pretty smoothly.”
This story is
typical of many congregations. Things run pretty smoothly for a while
and then things begin to heat up. Many parishioners and staff members
can smell the smoke and often see the flames about to engulf their
harmonious fellowship, but, unlike little Johnny, no one says anything.
No one wants to talk about the fire, the conflict, that is threatening
the congregation’s health, witness and ministry.
Often times the
pastor's strategy for handling conflict is denial or trying to get
located in another church. Many congregations attempt to resolve
conflict by simply firing their pastor or church staff when conflict
arises.
In the Southern
Baptist denomination alone, the largest in America, 77 of their pastors
are fired a month according to a 1998 survey conducted by LifeWay
Church Resources of the Southern Baptist Convention.
There are other options for the congregation and the pastor in
handling conflict. One of the first strategies in resolving or managing
conflict is to become acutely aware of the potential areas of conflict.
The more aware that the pastor and the congregation are of the
sensitive areas where conflict may quickly arise, the better chances
they have of avoiding the conflict, or at least they can prepare to
resolve the conflict before it becomes an all-out war in the church.
According to Roy W. Pneuman, Senior Consultant, Emeritus, of the
Alban Institute, there are nine common sources of conflict in churches.
Listed below are a few of these sources of conflict and suggestions on
how to prevent or manage conflict in your church.
- People disagree about values and beliefs. “Members do
not agree about the church’s nature, mission, goals or objectives,”
says Pneuman.
Suggestions:
Congregations need
to develop a mission statement that is widely owned and embraced, and
that will clarify values and beliefs. When a congregation understands
its purpose and goals, members tend to work together with less conflict.
- There is conflict over the pastor’s role and
responsibilities. There is a lack of agreement
between pastor and congregation about what activities should be the
pastor’s priority.
Suggestions:
Pastors may boast,
“God is my boss, not the church. I do what God tells me to do.” When
pastors or congregations become controllers “in the name of God,” there
will be conflict. Consensus is the key. Neither pastor nor congregation
can get 100% of what they want, and neither can they give 100% of what
the other party needs. Written surveys and sharing sessions can
determine the priorities of both parties.
- The pastor’s leadership style is mismatched with the
congregation. Pneuman describes leadership style in terms of two
dimensions: task and relationship.
Suggestions:
Some pastors are
task-oriented. They enjoy administration, meetings, and the planning
and leading that is necessary in a congregation. Other pastors are
relations-oriented. They like to mingle with people, build
relationships, and discover people’s needs and minister to those needs.
They enjoy visitation, counseling, pastoral care and activities that
keep them close to the people.
The conflict comes
when a congregation expects a pastor of one orientation to function in
the other orientation. Conflict is reduced when a church takes the time
to study what it needs in a pastor and when pastors intentionally and
appropriately "try" to integrate, as Jesus did, a task/goal and a
people/relationship style of leadership.
- A new pastor rushes into changes. Pneuman states,
"Many new pastors do not take the time and trouble necessary to get to
know the congregation before making changes.”
Suggestions:
Pastors often say,
“The seven words of a dying church are 'we never did it this way
before.'" It is true many churches are stuck in tradition. To try to
change the time of offering in the worship service, how the Lord’s
Supper is conducted, or how church officers are elected would be enough
to cause a major conflict for a newly elected pastor.
Churches say they
want leadership from the new pastor, but often they mean "not right
away." Pastors must pay the price of committing themselves to serve the
Lord in one congregation long enough to build substantial relationships
and trust before they can make significant changes in the life of a
congregation.
I believe it is
obvious that most congregations manage conflict poorly. I have found
that Christians often believe that conflict is evil and that it
shouldn’t happen in the church. And even if their church is
experiencing conflict they try to ignore it and deny the pain.
According to the Apostle Paul, as long as Christians are in this
world, they will be dealing with fleshly desires and impulses. Conflict
is inevitable in human beings.
I like what a pastor told a couple who came for counseling, “The
main problem with your marriage is that you both married sinners.” If
couples must recognize that biblical fact, so must churches. Churches
must not be surprised when conflict comes.The key is to recognize the
early signs of conflict and head-off the conflict before it becomes a
damaging church fight.
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For speaking, workshops
and consultation contact:
Dennis J. Hester
P.O. Box 52
Shelby, NC 28151
Office: 704-482-8285
Cell: 704-472-6642
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